i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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