So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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