Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
