turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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