I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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