Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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