Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
