if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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