sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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