i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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