literally had 100 drinks last night.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
