I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
