I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
