Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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