Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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