just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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