New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
