I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
