My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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