The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
