I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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