Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
