you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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