just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
thus making me awesome and them whores
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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