next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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