I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
