question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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