Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Bring me that man meat
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
