I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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