I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
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She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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