So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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