Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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