how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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