he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
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Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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