she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i used baking grease as lip gloss
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
