when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
