i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
