I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Randomize
