around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
