that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
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She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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