Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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