We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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