i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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