Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
