sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
