i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
