A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
