I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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