drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
