You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i think my mom watched the whole time
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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