i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm passing your future prison.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
