UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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