My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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