ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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