You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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