He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
