i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
